


with the lights on

by starfleetbanana



Series: nobody asked us [3]
Category: All For the Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 21:41:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8177050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starfleetbanana/pseuds/starfleetbanana
Summary: 'Medical professionals classify hysterical blindness as “conversion disorder,” a condition that causes you to show psychological stress in a physical manner. While there are many causes of this disorder, most of them point to some type of anxiety or other psychological trauma that triggers this temporary blindness''When the haze went away he tried to focus his vision on something more familiar. Everything that surrounded him was a deep shade of black that threatened to swallow him up, and it didn’t take him long to notice he was at Castle Evermore.'Part of the Soulmates AU where you see in black and white until you meet your soulmate and stop seeing colours when they die.





	

**Author's Note:**

> * I heard abt this on the telly and thought about Neil. Exciting sad times, ye.
> 
> Part of the Soulmates AU where you see in black and white until you meet your soulmate and stop seeing colours when they die. I don't think it's necessary for you to read the other parts but it'd make way more sense if you read at least part one.

 Neil woke up in a room he didn’t quite recognise. He’d been startled awake by someone’s voice and his mind responded by trying to get him to run as fast as he could. Words coming from a Raven meant danger, even more so when they were spoken in quick Japanese. Cold metal around his wrists meant he wouldn’t be able to defend himself the only way he knew how to. The restraints were useless by that point though, since he couldn’t get his aching muscles to react anyway. He was too exhausted to try to get up and run for his life, he wasn’t even sure he’d be able to stay awake for much longer.

  
When the haze went away he tried to focus his vision on something more familiar. Everything that surrounded him was a deep shade of black that threatened to swallow him up, and it didn’t take him long to notice he was at Castle Evermore.

  
The handcuffs and the quick angry words in Japanese made sense then, but a few seconds later he realised it wasn’t only that the majority of what he saw was black, but also that the shade of red surrounding the figure of a Raven on his own shirt that had “Wesninski” written on the back matched the black blood stain on the carpet. His tears burnt when they reached his wounds and he winced at how overwhelming the pain was. How did he dare forget how pain felt?

  
The metal bit deeper into the tender skin of his wrists as he struggled to find something to hold onto before he passed out and fell on his abused and hurting body. But there was nothing to hold him up. The knowledge of Andrew’s safety’d been what had kept him up during practice with the Ravens and he felt like nothing he did was worth anything anymore.

  
Riko’d told him if he was there for the entire week the foxes would be safe, Andrew, particularly. Safety for Riko’s standards wasn’t what Neil expected, but at least it meant alive. Now he was seeing everything in a million dizzying shades of grey. His heart hammered against his ribcage, his breathing hitched and his body tensed before panic arrived.

  
_Andrew’s dead, Andrew’s dead, Andrew’s dead._ We’re dead.

  
Instead his mind went silent, thoughts drowning in black. There was no noise, and his body went limp as everything disappeared in front of his eyes behind a layer of black. But there it was, he closed his eyes and reopened them hoping he’d see something different, but no matter how many times he did so, he still couldn’t see his now free blood stained hands in front of him. His wounds burnt hot.

  
He woke up with a gasp and stayed still as he felt the same hot tears from the nightmare running down his cheeks. He tried to focus his vision on the ceiling above; it was too blurry for his sight to be okay.

  
Without meaning to, he reached for Andrew’s body and grasped his forearm, feeling the scars under his touch. Andrew flinched at that. He moved quickly on top of Neil to use his weight to pin him down, his free arm on his neck to keep him pressed down hard onto the mattress as he choked. Neil let out a shaky breath before Andrew saw who was beneath him.

  
“Don’t do that again” Andrew said as soon as he went back to his side of the bed and covered himself with the blankets. In his tired state he hadn’t noticed Neil’s panicked expression had nothing to do with his unconscious reaction to his touch. He was secretly grateful he slept with his back to the wall because now he could see Neil’s face.

  
Neil’s eyes were watery under the moonlight and he looked like he couldn’t mutter a word or even breathe. He was paralysed by panic and pinned down by Andrew’s stare on him. When his body had been on top of him he hadn’t been able to see anything but a blur of brown and a tinge of yellow in his eyes that looked nothing like the familiar hazel in them.

  
“I can’t see you” Neil said in a weak voice and Andrew got closer to inspect his eyes. He felt lost without being able to make out his expression since Andrew never used too many words. “I can’t see shit”.

  
The scars on his face felt like freshly burnt and carved skin as his tears kept disappeared toward his jaw and neck.

Andrew reached for the switch close to the bed to turn the lights on–it said ‘emergency’ but it was made for exhausted athletes-. Neil was able to finally breathe in when he was able to distinguish the colours surrounding them, but the air was gone again when he involuntarily let out a sob.

  
“Stop crying” Andrew said sitting next to him to help him untangle from the blankets and get him in an upright position so he’d focus on him as much as he could. He carefully placed his hands on Neil’s shoulders and helped him breathe slowly, making him count loud until he was less of a mess. Neil dried his own tears with the backs of his hands, feeling the phantom pain of what Lola’d done to him. He was safe, Andrew was safe.

  
“Quit that” Andrew continued as Neil’s lips quivered because the pain still felt too real. Andrew got out of the bed making sure he wouldn’t touch Neil. “I’m calling Abby” His tone was neutral and for a minute Neil was grateful Andrew always acted like nothing was worth being afraid anymore.

  
Neil didn’t know if he was supposed to feel relieved or not when he heard Andrew talking to her calmly. His expressionless face and bored tone of voice helped him convince himself everything was okay except he couldn’t fucking see more than his figure in an oversized shirt and sweatpants standing close to the door.

  
When Abby got there, most of the foxes had decided to ask for an answer after Dan answered a call from Wymack, but Andrew kept them waiting on their pyjamas at four in the morning outside their locked bedroom while Abby sat on his bed examining Neil’s eyes.

  
“You’re okay” She said soothingly, patting Neil’s hair. He’d never felt that vulnerable because he’d always known he was independent enough to survive by himself, but now even though he knew he wouldn’t have to run anymore, it hurt to feel that weak. “You telling me you’re seeing better since you woke up, right?”

  
Neil nodded in response and waited for Abby to say something back, but apparently she was having a silent conversation with Andrew that made him feel inexistent.

  
“He had a nightmare. Evermore” Andrew said after what Neil supposed had been Abby’s questioning look. Her grasp on his shoulder tightened, becoming reassuring and dizzying at the same time.

  
Abby and Andrew kept Neil out of their conversation again as he stared at the floor making sure there were no blood stains there. Abby’s voice brought his attention back when she suggested he try to get some sleep for the rest of the night when she concluded he was fine, physically, at least, after blinding him with her phone flashlight.

  
Andrew opened the window and lit a cigarette, without offering one to Neil, under Abby’s scowl. He was careful enough to take the time to blow the smoke directly toward the window so it wouldn’t hurt Neil’s eyes. “I’ll text you in the morning”.

  
“If it gets worse during the night get him to the ER so he’ll calm down first. I’m pretty sure it was caused by a panic attack, so just relax Neil, okay?” She said before letting herself out. Neil heard her give a short explanation to the rest of the foxes waiting outside. She’d left him with a thousand reassurances and worried looks he hadn’t gotten and a tiny yellowish pill he’d swallowed with a dull ache on his chest, quiet panic clawing at his insides because the pill would make him unable to run.

  
Then Andrew put out his cigarette and left the lights on understanding Neil needed to see as much of him as he could. Touching was still hard for him, but he got Neil needed him to protect him the only way he knew how to, shielding him with his body. He wanted more than a hug that left him feeling empty because it felt too much like one of her mother’s.

  
“Yes or no?” He asked once they were both in bed again, Neil’s back to the wall after Andrew’d given up his place, his own need to feel safe and Neil his to run away.

  
“Yes” Neil answered waiting for an angry kiss, or a body on top of his, but he was surprised by Andrew’s shifting closer toward him, their bodies almost pressed flush together. Their height difference became impractical when Neil searched for his touch, keeping both hands between his thighs so he wouldn’t touch Andrew’s stomach or hips, and tried to hide his face on the crook of Andrew’s neck but he got somewhere near, making sure he still saw the bright colours of the room around him.

  
He needed the world and Andrew to stitch him back together that night, so much so he didn’t do more than acknowledge Matt’s _goodnight guys_ coming from outside. He smelled of smoke, deodorant and something so particular to Andrew it made him feel dizzy. Andrew squeezed his shoulders and placed his hand between his shoulder blades.

  
Their truth game was over since they’d given each other all they had hidden within, but they’d managed to come up with something new that kept them safe into their own world and what they had, whatever that meant.

Colours were not the only thing they shared but talking about them once in a while gave Neil a reason to know he was allowed to stay.

  
“There’s something pink” Neil whispered on Andrew’s pale shoulder, grazing his skin with his chapped lips, making him shiver. He was thinking of Renee’s hair, Allison’s car, a candy floss he’d eaten in France once in a little town he couldn’t remember the name of anymore, and how his skin looked when Andrew bit him hard.

  
“Shut up, go to sleep. Your game’s stupid” Andrew said, giving himself the chance to protect Neil just one last time before letting go. He thought of Neil’s puffy eyes, the scars on his own forearm that hadn’t faded; the blood on Kevin’s face when he had both hands around his throat and the colour of his split knuckles. He thought of Neil’s kiss swollen lips.

**Author's Note:**

> Important: Nora said Neil wouldn't cry like ever, so I used that to relate his crying to physical pain and not emotions because it felt too OOC. Mh, I still don't know? Also Andrew'll never play Neil's stupid game.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos are appreciated!
> 
> *Yes, I'm latina and I was watching an episode of something that was a lot like Mujer, casos de la vida real.


End file.
